Tuesday, February 11, 2014

A letter of honesty...

Sweater//Forever 21
Top//Kohls
Jeans//Target
Boots//Target
Scarf//My sister 

I just need to get this out.  I am not sure if I will even publish it or not but hopefully it will take this weight off of me to write about it.   I didn't know if I would ever share this part of my life on the blog.  Not because I am ashamed or embarrassed by it, but because of the people it affects.  Not me and my family, but another family.  The ones who have a right to grieve.  Who have a right to be sad.  In my mind, I don't feel like I have that right.   Because when it comes down to it, my brother is still here while someone else's brother, son, and uncle was taken away.   Sunday we went to visit my brother.   We took Brighton to meet her uncle.   We visited this prison for the first time.  And it was hard.  Harder than visiting the county jail.  The rules are different, the staff treats you with utter disgust, and they look at you like "why would you bring a 6 month old here?".   For me it is simple, even though my brother is in prison, he is still my brother.  Nothing will change that.

Over the last 2 years, I have learned a lot of things but I think the biggest thing I have learned about is sin, and what God says sin is.  My brother's sin may be very known and his punishment very real, but I sin just as much as him, although I can hid mine a little easier.  Because my sin is accepted by the world, in fact a lot of times it is encouraged by the world.

So here I am, I should be cleaning, since I put it off yesterday, but I am in a huge funk.   It was so good to see him, but at the same time it kills me that he will never get to be the uncle he was meant to be.  Then when those thoughts invade my brain, I think about a friend, whose little girls will never have an uncle because of my brother.   And that makes me sad.  It makes me so mad for them.  It makes me hate drugs even more.  I remember both of our brothers, the way they both were before.

I am sad.  I guess some would say I am mourning, but the hardest part is, I don't feel like I have that right. It feels good to get this out but it isn't taking the funk out.  So I am once again going to disappear into my little world.  Probably read, watch a little bit of the Olympics, and pray for a friend who just texted me with some sad news.

And if you are inclined too, please pray for me.  I am not sure what for, but pray.   Because today isn't such a great day.

linking up with

pleated poppy

4 comments :

  1. I'm so sorry for your grief. I sent up a prayer for you. I totally agree with you that some sins are so visible and many are not.

    Visiting from WIWW.

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  2. Girl, pain is pain. Loss is loss. It's more than okay for you to grieve. Saying a prayer for you, friend. *hugs*

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  3. I'm sorry you are hurting. I think you are really strong and I love that you brought B to meet him. Sending a huge hug.

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  4. I'm really praying for you...for peace of mind. For clarity. The pain and grief you're feeling is valid. I hope you get out of your funk soon!
    Hugs from me too!

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