Tuesday, September 3, 2013


Top//Forever 21
Scarf//Charming Charlies (gift)
Watch//Charming Charlies (gift)
Glasses//Rx from Costco
This is one of my absolute favorite shirts.  I got it last year with birthday money and wore the heck out of it before my belly outgrew it.  I was happy to see that it is fitting again.  Expect to see it many times in the future.  I am also super in love with my watch and scarf the my sister in law gave me for the birthday.  

Today is my birthday, and well, my heart is in a bad place. What should be a super happy day has just been blah and leaving me feeling depressed. Not because I am getting older because 27 isn't old although. I don't even know what I consider old. In fact I look forwarding to getting older. I see relatives, friends of the family, and Facebook acquaintances who are in their 50'sand 60's doing fun things, relaxing after years of hard work, and I think... one day that will be me. It is not an age thing but more of a where we are at in our lives thing. It is not secret that we are struggling with where we are living right now. It gets super hot which is miserable for Jeremy and the kids. I admit to being pretty miserable myself because it has been in the 90's in our house for the past 2 weeks. There really isn't a whole lot to do around here either. We have lived here for 2 years and I haven't made one single friend. Does that tell you how big of a hermit I am? I tried last year at MOPs and I just never connected with anyone. Probably because I am horrible at small talk. I don't get the point, my brain doesn't work that way. But if I am honest I worry that deep down once someone gets to know me they won't like me. Or that they will hurt me like I have been hurt in the past. But I am sure I have done the hurting as well. But this holds me back.  We are really struggling with being here, we know God moved us here but if I was honest with you, I would tell you that sometimes it feels like He abandoned us here. I know that is not true and it really makes me feel like I am an Israelite when they left Egypt but I still can't shake it some days. I know God didn't move away, it was me.  But for the life of me, I can't find that closeness I knew before. So we are waiting and praying and job searching. Which is hard. Job searching sucks.  Especially when we really can't agree where to go next. We both feel like the next place we move will be the last. We are ready to become settled in a community.  Find a church to raise our kids in. Find close friends.  But the question is where? I keep reminding myself that it will happen in Gods time just like everything else, but sometimes waiting for God's timing is hard. At least it is for me. So, as I sit here on my birthday, in our fly infested back yard with a beautiful reminder of how good God's timing is sleeping on my lap, and the other 2 blessings playing in the pool, I think back to a weekend last November when we had been at the boat races and it was a hard time in our life. We had just had 2 miscarriages within 3 months and we had decided that we weren't going to try again. I knew I wasn't strong enough to go through it again and Jeremy just wanted to support my decision.  He wanted to see me without stress.  So we decided to stop trying and starting taking the steps towards a hysterectomy for me because of my endometriosis. The next weekend, the day before our 7th anniversary, I found out I was pregnant again. I was a basket case. I was mad at God. I couldn't understand why He was letting it happened again. But we waited. I kept waiting for the day that I would wake up with cramping and bleeding. It never came. We had an ultrasound and it showed a heartbeat this time. I allowed myself to hope an little. And then at 10 weeks we finally told our families because I was starting to show. We kept it to ourselves up until this point because I couldn't stand to see their heartbreak again when I could barely handle my own.  And that day I hit 13 weeks, it was an amazing feeling. But you know what?  Even though I was a complete crazy person during that time God was there for me. He got me through it even though I couldn't feel Him or see Him. So, as I sit her holding my Little Miss, I am reminded that God's timing is perfect, and when I am struggling with that I just need to tell Him because He understands. My weakness reveals His strength. And He knows exactly what is in store for us next so I should just stop worrying and start praying.  So that is what I am doing, I am praying.  I am giving over my stress.  I am sure I will take it back several times but I want to be intent on seeking Him.  I want to seek God daily.  I want to find the closeness again.

6 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
1 Peter 1:6-7

13 Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.
1Peter 4:13
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pleated poppy

1 comment :

  1. Iowa is a great place to live and raise a family! ;-) Praying for God's peace right where you're at. Wish we could hang out, but for now we can be friends from afar! :)


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