Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I am not sure what to title this.....

I am not sure when I will post this post but I do need to purge right now.
Today is a hard day.  One I  am trying to make as normal as possible.
I went for a run but I was mad that I could run.  I was mad that my body once again failed me.
We went to the park and I tried to play with the kids but today is just not a good day for me.  All I can think about is the news we are going to get later.  The confirmation of what I already know.  My body has failed me.
I don't know why God is allowing this to happen but I do know he has a plan for my life.  One that right now is going through a very hard season.  A season of loss.  A season of mourning.   A season of great confusion.  
I have been waiting to see Beth Moore live forever.  Finally when I get the chance I don't want to go.  All I want to do is sit at home in a dark room and ask God why.   All I want to do is avoid people.  Pregnant women.  Women with newborns.
I am not sure how I should feel.  Mad at God? Angry at the world?   Begging for something different?   But instead I have just accepted it.  Does my easy acceptance change anything.  If I had prayed a little harder, if I had pleaded would anything be different today?  No, I doubt it would.
Instead here I am listening to the kids play and fight about sharing.  I need to clean the bathrooms.  Vacuum out the car.  Fold laundry.  All while pretending that life is normal.   That at 3 pm the doctor isn't going to confirm I have had another miscarriage.
The first one was a lot easier to deal with.  I kept telling myself 1 in 5.   That is how many women experience this.   If I want more kids its something I am going to have to understand.  That it can happen.   The second time in less than 3 months is a lot harder to except.  To move on from.
This time I tried not to be afraid   We told our family.  We celebrated.  Made plans.  Discussed who would sleep where.  What we would do in the car.   I looked at the newest swings and car seats   Began once again planning the new babies bedding.   Bristol prayed for a little sister.
Now I don't know.  I don't know if I can go through this again.  If I even want to try again.  I don't know if I have it in me again.  Is my family complete?  I feel like it is.  But is that because I am to scared to try again?
So today at 3 pm we find out the bad news.  Today we start testing to see why my body carried 2 perfectly healthy babies and now decides it can't do it again.  Today we find out if maybe I need to go the hysterectomy route for my endometriosis.    Today is just a day I wish would be over already.
I knew it was going to be a hard day.  I have been praying.  I ignored it till it came.
But here it is.
*I wrote this before my appointment this morning.   I publish it as I for here waiting for my blood draw.  

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