Thursday, August 23, 2012

Peacefull Hurt

I didn't want to write about this, ever.

But I feel like I had to write about this.

Lets start with a little back story.

In March Jeremy and I decided we would like to expand our family.  Which may come as a shock to most because we, mostly me, swore up and down that there would be no more babies coming out of our house.  And that was true for me for a long time.  When your first 2 are 16 months apart it is a lot of work.  But totally worth it because of how close they are.   We prayed about it and felt it was meant to happen.  So in May we went ahead with trying.

July 20th I got my first could be positive pregnancy test.   I proceed to take 3 more over the next 4 days and finally bought the digital one.

We were excited.  Nervous.  Feeling a little crazy.  Nervous.  We told the kiddos.  Bristol kept pointing to my belly "Baby in there!" then she would lift up her shirt and point to her belly "Baby in Bristol's belly".  It was super sweet.  I knew she would have no problems with being a big sister again because she loves her baby cousin Daphne.

I didn't want to tell anyone until at least the first ultrasound but we were trying to get away with not telling anyone until I hit that magic 13 week mark. I know I have talked about this before but I get more and more scared of complications with every pregnancy.   I was scared until the day I got to hold Eldon in my arms.   But the funny thing is with Bristol I had no doubts.  I bled in my first trimester with her and wasn't worried.  Maybe because she always let be know she was perfectly fine by kicking my ribs.  Or maybe its because I didn't have a whole lot of mom friends back then.  I didn't realize the reality of miscarriages, birth defects, still births, and so forth.  I was in the blissful unknown.  I wish I was still there.

August 2nd, I woke up bleeding.  Heavily bleeding.   I was slightly worried but I didn't have any pain so I wasn't freaking out yet.   I figured it was the same thing that happened with Bristol.   I started getting ready for Hilary's visit.   Then I started having a dull ache in my ovary.  It started to worry me.   I posted on my mom board.  They all told me I needed to call the doctor.  So I did.   My appointment was set for 1.   I told Hilary.   She had no clue I was pregnant but I needed her to get her faster so she could watch the kiddos while me and Jeremy went to the doctor.   I wasn't sure what to do about getting a hold of Jeremy.   He works out of phone reception but I can call the secretary's and they will radio up to him for me.  But I waited a little bit.  Finally at 10am I couldn't handle it any longer.  I needed my husband.   I was praying this whole time. I had a peace but I still needed to hear Jeremy say everything was going to work out.   He rushed down the hill.

When we finally did the ultrasound, there was no sac to be seen..   Which being that I was at the end of my 5th week it should have show a sac.  The doctor told us that my history didn't support a miscarriage but that it was possible so he order blood work to see what my HCG levels were doing.   He said is was possible that I was earlier that I thought.  I held onto that.

I still had this amazing peace.  I was praying constantly and I felt protected.  I knew there was nothing I could do at this point.  This baby was in God's hand.  I could beg, plead, promise things and it wouldn't change anything.  If God decided the baby needed to be in heaven more that it needed to be in my arms that was meant to be.   Jeremy on the other hand was having a harder time.   I understood that.  Just like he understood my peace.

It always amazes me how we work together.  We always complement each other in that way.   I am the strong one holding on to God's promises when I need to be and then we switch roles and he is the strong one.   But we always have God right there with us.

It was a long weekend waiting for the 2nd blood draw and the results.  Monday we asked my mother in law Cathy to come up and take care of the kids.  Hilary had to go back to Vegas because Daphne had a doctors appointment and since they are leaving for Italy shortly there was no way to reschedule it.   Jeremy went to work that morning.   He didn't want to stay home and think about it constantly.  But at this point he was at peace as well.  Cathy as usual was a huge support to me.  She always knows just what I need to hear.

We went back to the doctors.  They put us in the regular room.  I kind of knew what to expect at this point. The doctor came in and confirmed it.  I miscarried.   But you know what, I was still at peace. Because our baby is in heaven.  It will never have to experience the hurts of this world.   It will always have a peaceful life.

When this all first started I wasn't sure I wanted to keep trying.   I wasn't sure if I could experience this again.

But you know what, God got me through this.   He gave me a peace that couldn't be diminished.  So yes we are still open to having more kids but all in God's time.   When its right he will give us another positive pregnancy test.  He will give me a peace that it is meant to be.

I know people probably are reading this and wondering why we only let 2 family members know what was going on.  Well its because I didn't want to talk about it.  It was a time of praying.   Jeremy and I had to get through it with God's guidance. But I felt I needed to write about it.  We don't want to talk about it.  I have no desire for people to ask me if I am pregnant.  I don't want sympathy.  I just needed to write about it.

I don't want you to think I don't struggle with this because I do.  The other day I was at Costco and there was a family there.  They had 2 toddlers and the mom was very pregnant.  My heart ached.  That was supposed to be me.   That was supposed to be our family.  I told Jeremy it was hard.   We prayed and I had my peace back.  I stopped doubting, I remembered that my baby is in a far better place.   I keep wanting to say he is in a far better place.  I don't know why I think it was a boy, I just do.

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.  And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing.  Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.  Think about things that are excellent and worth of praise.  Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me- everything you heard from and saw me doing.  Then the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:6-9

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